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jenn

Murder by Death

I read cozy and historical mysteries, a bit of Paranormal/UF, and to mix it up, I read science and gardening books on occasion.

At the risk of embarrassing myself ...

Whiskey in the Jar wrote a post earlier today - a great post - about her feelings about recent events.  I've been hiding in my cave with my books since Tuesday morning and I've been mourning since the conventions and didn't want to talk about it to anybody, but Rachel made a comment on that post that made me realise I'm not quite as alone as I thought I was.  Because it's not just the result of the elections that has left me devastated and mourning.

 

I've been heavy with the knowledge that my mother and, actually, I'm certain the rest of my family, voted for Trump. I truly believe they think they didn't have a choice and given any other republican candidate wouldn't have given him the dirt off the bottom of their shoes. But while they think they did what they had to do, I just see a complete betrayal of every single thing I was raised to believe.

 

My mom raised me every single day of my life with the golden rule; she hammered into my head (as did my dad, fyi, but he passed 10 years ago) that nobody gets judged on anything beyond their own behaviour and she practiced what she preached (and lord could that woman preach): a staunch RC all her life, she knew her favourite employee was homosexual and she didn't care - she loved him to pieces and when he was one of the first to die of AIDS she truly mourned. And yeah, I guess it's also worth noting that she owned her own business for 35 years - and she didn't have me until she was 45, so obviously when men were telling women what they could and could not do, she didn't get the memo (and dad would never have tried).

 

I found out only a couple of years ago that she refused my father's first marriage proposal because as an Italian Catholic (her parents were both immigrants) she feared moving to the South and the discrimination she'd have to live with as the only WOG in a sea full of WASPs. It took my dad some time to convince her that his family would NEVER - and she said they never did.  She was welcomed without question, but she knew first hand how it felt to be treated as less because of her ethnicity.

 

She never let me hate anything - as a very little girl I announced I hated Satan and she immediately told me no - you can't. I was flabbergasted - until she said "if you hate him, he wins because that's what Satan is - hate. I told her I'd just refuse to believe he existed then, because I can't be touched by what I don't believe in and she said no, it doesn't work that way - evil doesn't cease to exist just because you ignore it. Evil is here to stay and the only thing you can do to fight against it is to spread good.

 

All of my siblings and I were raised with this every day of our life (along with "clean your room!" and "wash you face! I can see dirt!"). Not one of us would ever treat anyone 'less' because of race or orientation - to do so would be to make us 'less'.

 

So when I spoke to her a few weeks ago and she lit into me about Trump I was flabbergasted, devastated and so mad I was spitting nails.  We had an international screaming match that damn near didn't need a phone line to be heard.  How could my mother - my smart, educated mother who raised 4 kids who were going to be kind to EVERYBODY if it -or she- killed them, be spouting such utter nonsense as she was??  Don't get me wrong - she wasn't suddenly spouting racist, judgemental nonsense.  It was all "he's not a politician" "he tells it like it is" (don't get me started) and worries about the economy and the phrase "let me tell you, I lived through the Great Depression" was spouted more than a few times.

 

I get that she's in her 90's and nobody gets to be in their 90's and remains as pliable in thought as they once were, but this... and that's no excuse for my brother or sister.  They may be in their 50's/60's but that's not old enough imo, to claim in-pliability of the brain.  I can't reconcile who we are and how we were brought up with their willingness to turn a blind eye to the complete lack of character Trump exhibits.  I don't care if he single-handedly turns the economy into a gold mine for everyone, that doesn't make it ok to be a douchebag.  When did integrity stop being a requirement?  When did hypocrisy become ok???

 

So I feel like I lost a lot this week.  I know without question that my mom and my siblings are good people who don't believe anyone is a lesser human being than anyone else, but it doesn't stop a lot of my memories from feeling hollow right now.  I don't know how we got here, and I have to say I have more hope for BookLikes bringing Thursday goodies back than I have for my own country right now; not just because that douche won either, but because he ever even got a chance.

 

I doubt I'll leave this up for more than a few hours (if I don't chicken out even sooner).  I've spilled my guts here entirely more than I'm comfortable with, but Rachel was brave enough to say it and I thought if even one other person is in this position and sees this, or if just one person out there who feels that fully half of America hates them because of this election sees this and hopefully realises that's not true (not that there's any excuse for those people voting for the douche, there isn't!), then perhaps some good can come of my grief.